I Think I'm Afraid of Normal

For so long now, we’ve been sheltering at home, only venturing out to a few safe spots, armed with our double masks and disinfectant wipes. We’ve kept busy experimenting with new recipes. We’ve read and we’ve written. We’ve cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. Now, it’s spring and we can gather outside again. But, this time we have vaccines to fortify us. We can make plans for larger (though still not large) parties. We can hug our families. We can even travel more. We are beginning to return to normal. I’m frightened by normal.

Checking out at the grocery store this week, the clerk said I could bring my own cloth bags again. I’ve made plane reservations to visit family in Boston. These are signs of our old life, the life before…But, I can’t imagine doing any of these familiar things without my masks, without social distancing. Will I ever again be comfortable without these protections? Or has Covid-19 made me afraid to be me?

After a year, I had found my quarantine groove. We had our comfortable “bubble.” I was a master of Zoom and on-line ordering. Giving up these protections will take some new mental gymnastics. I will not be returning to my pre-Covid life in one fell swoop. As I eased into social distancing, I will now have to ease out of it. I will watch the disease statistics and listen to the medical experts. But, I will also have to do this at a pace with which I feel comfortable.

No doubt many will fling off the masks and jump back into the world as it was before 2020. I will take my time. I absolutely don’t want to live an isolated life. But, I will have to adjust to normalcy again. Our collective and individual comfort zones keep shifting. There is another new one on the horizon. I am slowly, deliberately finding my way to it.